I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
