We won't sleep together?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
