2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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