dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
