Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
