My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
