I wish my penis had an off switch
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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