I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
