i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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