I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
