Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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