This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
