He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
