do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
