left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
