Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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