What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I touched a dick in church today
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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