guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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