Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
