You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
