I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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