On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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