Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
