2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
