i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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