I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
