Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
