The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
