I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
