Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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