singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
