To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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