He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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