I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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