They should really pass out barf bags in church
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
