Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
