you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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