Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
