Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
