i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
