i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
