woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
