I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
