I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
