my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My vagina is officially offended.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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