with your own penis?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
