i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
