If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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