WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
