To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
